secrets (warning, woe is me post)

sometimes i dont know why i do it. sometimes i feel i should be living another life. i went to Seattle for 6 days... away from erik 6 days and when i got back i felt a sense of dread... i enjoyed being on my own again. i feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling this...i did miss him and think of him 24/7. everything reminded me of him and yet i wasnt as worried as i thought. i thought i would cry or something... missing him. and then i watch these tv shows, showing all these people my age, out doing shit and having fun. I am at home being a mother. I have no friends... they never stay and the other few do not have kids so they dont "get me" anymore. i love erik with everything i have but why did no one tell me how incredibly lonely and drained i would feel... not that it would have changed seeing how erik was an accident. I stay at home 24/7 with him and no one really helps me. his daddy sees him a few minutes before he goes to bed b/c he works all day... this trip was one of the few few few times since he was born i had been away from him (and by far the longest...)

i wish someone would be my friend, with a kid... so erik would have a friend too. so i wouldnt feel so alone. god that statement makes me feel like i am 12...

my 25th birthday is on mothers day. i wanted to go see the movie "babies" but i dont think it is going to happen. guess ill spend it alone... for the 25th year in a row. i remember back when i was a kid even inviting kids over for a slumber party on my birthday... then i ended up crying in another room b/c they all ignored me. i have NEVER had a real friend... ever. not an exaggeration in the least... you would think i would be used to it now...

i dont think i can ever get used to it...

Tired

So my son is possessed by the devil. Anywhere near his bedtime he turns from that sweet little boy to a demon lol. We have been having issues with sleep. One nap is not enough but 2 is too many. I am not sure how to handle it because this means hes fights his nap and wakes up 1-3 times a night... awesome. (sarcasm)

So i am sleep deprived.. its not as bad as a newborn i will admit... but the lack of sleeping 8 hours straight EVER sucks... and he starts getting cranky/tired around 4... for the next around 2 1/2 hours he is possessed. I swear if it was humanly possible for his head to spin around and him spit green vomit he would.

On another note we had his 2nd time of going to music class that his grandma paid for us to go to. He did a little better this time and ran around crazy like... not as shy... haha.. yeah shy.

So we just got home and I think i am going to nap too... yeah an adult napping.. i need to clean the house and all that but i am worn out dude!

Does the whining ever stop?

Erik is in the kitchen, and i, in the room next to it. He is fussing over nothing. He still has 2 hours till bed. I think i know now why animals eat their young lol.

He has been diagnosed with some sort of issue. No specifics either, maybe they just want my money. Its not like that would be anything new for the whole doctor field. He is 15 months and he doesn't talk. Now when i say this to people they say "ooo i have a 2 year old that doesn't talk" but when i inform them that he doesn't even say mama or dada they say "well they do say that.. and dog, kitty and hypothesis". (starting to sense some sarcasm in the post).

He is supposed to be getting help with early intervention. Until then i get the joy of having the child who fully walked at 10 months and is running now... but can only scream... and point. but it is a game of what he is pointing at. He will point at the cabinets and scream. Keep in mind there are like 30 things in there... and i am supposed to figure out WHAT he is pointing at. And god forbid i get it wrong... then you feel the wrath of the toddler. I am sure those of you more experienced with this sort of thing understand. or hell, those of you who have been to a store where a toddler has been.

To make things clear i love my son, he drives me crazy to the point i fear i will never come back and may end up in the place with padded walls but i would die without him. He is my life, my joy.

Confessions of a stay at home mother

What is it to be a mother? is it spit up stains on your clothes? the fact that getting poop on your hand doesn't phase you? what about your tolerance... i know mine went way way way up, especially once my son hit 1 year of age.

My name is Kelly and i am 24 almost 25. I have a 15 month old son named Erik Draven (yes after the movie "the crow". We live in Virginia (yes make all the jokes you want, I will join you).

I am the not so normal person. I want to seem normal to Erik but i doubt that is going to happen. I am not so great socially, saying what is on my mind/the truth when it is not called for. I suck at making friends and getting my points across. I also suck at capitalizing at the beginning of sentences.

I started this blog out of boredom. I always make fun of those with blogs and still do and still will. (I am allowed to make fun of myself). If you actually choose to continue reading this, you will hear language not suitable for little eyes, my point of views (that may differ from yours). You may be offended, you may wonder how someone so cold could exist but I assure you I am just honest and if you look deep down inside yourself you MAY realize you too share these feelings (maybe not but who cares) but most of you will. I have been told i say out loud what many are thinking and if not... well this is me. Like it or not.