secrets (warning, woe is me post)

sometimes i dont know why i do it. sometimes i feel i should be living another life. i went to Seattle for 6 days... away from erik 6 days and when i got back i felt a sense of dread... i enjoyed being on my own again. i feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling this...i did miss him and think of him 24/7. everything reminded me of him and yet i wasnt as worried as i thought. i thought i would cry or something... missing him. and then i watch these tv shows, showing all these people my age, out doing shit and having fun. I am at home being a mother. I have no friends... they never stay and the other few do not have kids so they dont "get me" anymore. i love erik with everything i have but why did no one tell me how incredibly lonely and drained i would feel... not that it would have changed seeing how erik was an accident. I stay at home 24/7 with him and no one really helps me. his daddy sees him a few minutes before he goes to bed b/c he works all day... this trip was one of the few few few times since he was born i had been away from him (and by far the longest...)

i wish someone would be my friend, with a kid... so erik would have a friend too. so i wouldnt feel so alone. god that statement makes me feel like i am 12...

my 25th birthday is on mothers day. i wanted to go see the movie "babies" but i dont think it is going to happen. guess ill spend it alone... for the 25th year in a row. i remember back when i was a kid even inviting kids over for a slumber party on my birthday... then i ended up crying in another room b/c they all ignored me. i have NEVER had a real friend... ever. not an exaggeration in the least... you would think i would be used to it now...

i dont think i can ever get used to it...