secrets (warning, woe is me post)

sometimes i dont know why i do it. sometimes i feel i should be living another life. i went to Seattle for 6 days... away from erik 6 days and when i got back i felt a sense of dread... i enjoyed being on my own again. i feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling this...i did miss him and think of him 24/7. everything reminded me of him and yet i wasnt as worried as i thought. i thought i would cry or something... missing him. and then i watch these tv shows, showing all these people my age, out doing shit and having fun. I am at home being a mother. I have no friends... they never stay and the other few do not have kids so they dont "get me" anymore. i love erik with everything i have but why did no one tell me how incredibly lonely and drained i would feel... not that it would have changed seeing how erik was an accident. I stay at home 24/7 with him and no one really helps me. his daddy sees him a few minutes before he goes to bed b/c he works all day... this trip was one of the few few few times since he was born i had been away from him (and by far the longest...)

i wish someone would be my friend, with a kid... so erik would have a friend too. so i wouldnt feel so alone. god that statement makes me feel like i am 12...

my 25th birthday is on mothers day. i wanted to go see the movie "babies" but i dont think it is going to happen. guess ill spend it alone... for the 25th year in a row. i remember back when i was a kid even inviting kids over for a slumber party on my birthday... then i ended up crying in another room b/c they all ignored me. i have NEVER had a real friend... ever. not an exaggeration in the least... you would think i would be used to it now...

i dont think i can ever get used to it...

Confessions of a stay at home mother

What is it to be a mother? is it spit up stains on your clothes? the fact that getting poop on your hand doesn't phase you? what about your tolerance... i know mine went way way way up, especially once my son hit 1 year of age.

My name is Kelly and i am 24 almost 25. I have a 15 month old son named Erik Draven (yes after the movie "the crow". We live in Virginia (yes make all the jokes you want, I will join you).

I am the not so normal person. I want to seem normal to Erik but i doubt that is going to happen. I am not so great socially, saying what is on my mind/the truth when it is not called for. I suck at making friends and getting my points across. I also suck at capitalizing at the beginning of sentences.

I started this blog out of boredom. I always make fun of those with blogs and still do and still will. (I am allowed to make fun of myself). If you actually choose to continue reading this, you will hear language not suitable for little eyes, my point of views (that may differ from yours). You may be offended, you may wonder how someone so cold could exist but I assure you I am just honest and if you look deep down inside yourself you MAY realize you too share these feelings (maybe not but who cares) but most of you will. I have been told i say out loud what many are thinking and if not... well this is me. Like it or not.