secrets (warning, woe is me post)

sometimes i dont know why i do it. sometimes i feel i should be living another life. i went to Seattle for 6 days... away from erik 6 days and when i got back i felt a sense of dread... i enjoyed being on my own again. i feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling this...i did miss him and think of him 24/7. everything reminded me of him and yet i wasnt as worried as i thought. i thought i would cry or something... missing him. and then i watch these tv shows, showing all these people my age, out doing shit and having fun. I am at home being a mother. I have no friends... they never stay and the other few do not have kids so they dont "get me" anymore. i love erik with everything i have but why did no one tell me how incredibly lonely and drained i would feel... not that it would have changed seeing how erik was an accident. I stay at home 24/7 with him and no one really helps me. his daddy sees him a few minutes before he goes to bed b/c he works all day... this trip was one of the few few few times since he was born i had been away from him (and by far the longest...)

i wish someone would be my friend, with a kid... so erik would have a friend too. so i wouldnt feel so alone. god that statement makes me feel like i am 12...

my 25th birthday is on mothers day. i wanted to go see the movie "babies" but i dont think it is going to happen. guess ill spend it alone... for the 25th year in a row. i remember back when i was a kid even inviting kids over for a slumber party on my birthday... then i ended up crying in another room b/c they all ignored me. i have NEVER had a real friend... ever. not an exaggeration in the least... you would think i would be used to it now...

i dont think i can ever get used to it...

Tired

So my son is possessed by the devil. Anywhere near his bedtime he turns from that sweet little boy to a demon lol. We have been having issues with sleep. One nap is not enough but 2 is too many. I am not sure how to handle it because this means hes fights his nap and wakes up 1-3 times a night... awesome. (sarcasm)

So i am sleep deprived.. its not as bad as a newborn i will admit... but the lack of sleeping 8 hours straight EVER sucks... and he starts getting cranky/tired around 4... for the next around 2 1/2 hours he is possessed. I swear if it was humanly possible for his head to spin around and him spit green vomit he would.

On another note we had his 2nd time of going to music class that his grandma paid for us to go to. He did a little better this time and ran around crazy like... not as shy... haha.. yeah shy.

So we just got home and I think i am going to nap too... yeah an adult napping.. i need to clean the house and all that but i am worn out dude!