Sometimes

Sometimes i wonder why i keep this thing up. Or even bother. Its not like i have anything new to say or even good, just bitching about my horrid little life that never gets better. The only thing i want in the world is to get my son out of this situation and for us to be a family and be happy... but i guess everyone has dreams...

Falling

Tim has been in NY for almost a month and its been so hard. Being here alone with Erik and his allergic reactions and all that. No real friends and shitty family makes for a very alone person. I really would like just one person I could depend on... or hell. I get to go do something without my child for once since he was born pretty much. Hell its been months since someone has watched him even for an hour (not counting when Tim would get up with him in the morning) I am talking so I can do something, so Tim and I could do something. Its funny, people are like well at least you are not a single mother... well yeah but every single mother I know has friends and family who help. All I have is Tim and all he has is Me which is nice unless WE want to do something. o well

secrets (warning, woe is me post)

sometimes i dont know why i do it. sometimes i feel i should be living another life. i went to Seattle for 6 days... away from erik 6 days and when i got back i felt a sense of dread... i enjoyed being on my own again. i feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling this...i did miss him and think of him 24/7. everything reminded me of him and yet i wasnt as worried as i thought. i thought i would cry or something... missing him. and then i watch these tv shows, showing all these people my age, out doing shit and having fun. I am at home being a mother. I have no friends... they never stay and the other few do not have kids so they dont "get me" anymore. i love erik with everything i have but why did no one tell me how incredibly lonely and drained i would feel... not that it would have changed seeing how erik was an accident. I stay at home 24/7 with him and no one really helps me. his daddy sees him a few minutes before he goes to bed b/c he works all day... this trip was one of the few few few times since he was born i had been away from him (and by far the longest...)

i wish someone would be my friend, with a kid... so erik would have a friend too. so i wouldnt feel so alone. god that statement makes me feel like i am 12...

my 25th birthday is on mothers day. i wanted to go see the movie "babies" but i dont think it is going to happen. guess ill spend it alone... for the 25th year in a row. i remember back when i was a kid even inviting kids over for a slumber party on my birthday... then i ended up crying in another room b/c they all ignored me. i have NEVER had a real friend... ever. not an exaggeration in the least... you would think i would be used to it now...

i dont think i can ever get used to it...

Tired

So my son is possessed by the devil. Anywhere near his bedtime he turns from that sweet little boy to a demon lol. We have been having issues with sleep. One nap is not enough but 2 is too many. I am not sure how to handle it because this means hes fights his nap and wakes up 1-3 times a night... awesome. (sarcasm)

So i am sleep deprived.. its not as bad as a newborn i will admit... but the lack of sleeping 8 hours straight EVER sucks... and he starts getting cranky/tired around 4... for the next around 2 1/2 hours he is possessed. I swear if it was humanly possible for his head to spin around and him spit green vomit he would.

On another note we had his 2nd time of going to music class that his grandma paid for us to go to. He did a little better this time and ran around crazy like... not as shy... haha.. yeah shy.

So we just got home and I think i am going to nap too... yeah an adult napping.. i need to clean the house and all that but i am worn out dude!

Just another day... erm.. morning?

Ever have that time where you just can't sleep, no matter how hard you try you just lay there. You cant shut off your mind. I am there and have been since... well... i was in high school. Some times are better than others and this is a horrid time. Sooo that is why I come here tonight/this morning...

It is 3:30am and I am just not sleepy so i sit here playing world of warcraft and surfing the net. Interesting fact, you know all the old childrens nursery rhymes we heard as kids? they are all demented!

ring around the rosy (rosy patches from the plague)
pockets full of poesy's (flowers put in the deads pockets to keep them from stinking)
ashes ashes (dead's ashes)
we all fall down (die)

think about them... old mother hubbard, jack sprat... crazy huh?

RIP Layla Grace

I wanted to tell you all of an issue that plagues the world, that no one knows HOW real it is until they experience it or know someone who does. It is known as cancer. I can strike anyone but I am talking childhood cancer. Everyone knows it exists but most tend to put it out of their minds, either to makes themselves feel better or they just plainly dont give a shit. When i say "dont give a shit" this is more or less directed at celebrities who say, buy their daughter suri cruise a 100k paci with diamonds.

Meanwhile our babies are dying everyday. One specifically that recently caught mine and many around the worlds attention is little Layla Grace. She was 2. I say was because she is no longer with us. She passed away 3-9-10. Of neroblastoma, its a form of cancer... one of the many that is killing our kids. NO CHILD should have to suffer like this... ever. No one should (well maybe rapists and such...).

That last thing i said starts me on something else i will touch on real fast. I am an athiest and here is why. Little beautiful girls like Layla suffer their few short years on earth and the child molestors and murderers live long healthy lives. How is that in any way shape or form fair? It makes me sick.

So here is what i am asking. If you are out or get anything in the mail... anything to do with childhood cancer or cancer in general. Please donate. Anything counts. Send $20 to St.Jude. Participate if your town has a cancer walk. Do this for all the babies fighting for their lives. Do this for all the babies who have given up their lives on a daily basis. Do this for the ones to get diagnosed today, next week, next year. UNTIL WE FIND A CURE.

Do it for Layla Grace

and Brooke, and Curtis, and Jessica, and Sammie, and Adrianna, and Bennie... and all the others I have followed on caringbridge that have lost their battle with cancer or other childhood diseases.

and dont tell me you dont have time/money... because there is ALWAYS a way to help.
INCLUDING signing up here to be a bone marrow donor. Its simple. They send you cotton swabs in the mail to swab your mouth and oyu mail it back in. If by chance you ever end up being a match (i know people who have been on the registry for 20 years and never gotten a call) then you can save a life. SAVE A LITTLE BOY OR GIRL... give them a chance at living as you have done. You can then say your life had meaning and REALLY matters. DO IT!

Does the whining ever stop?

Erik is in the kitchen, and i, in the room next to it. He is fussing over nothing. He still has 2 hours till bed. I think i know now why animals eat their young lol.

He has been diagnosed with some sort of issue. No specifics either, maybe they just want my money. Its not like that would be anything new for the whole doctor field. He is 15 months and he doesn't talk. Now when i say this to people they say "ooo i have a 2 year old that doesn't talk" but when i inform them that he doesn't even say mama or dada they say "well they do say that.. and dog, kitty and hypothesis". (starting to sense some sarcasm in the post).

He is supposed to be getting help with early intervention. Until then i get the joy of having the child who fully walked at 10 months and is running now... but can only scream... and point. but it is a game of what he is pointing at. He will point at the cabinets and scream. Keep in mind there are like 30 things in there... and i am supposed to figure out WHAT he is pointing at. And god forbid i get it wrong... then you feel the wrath of the toddler. I am sure those of you more experienced with this sort of thing understand. or hell, those of you who have been to a store where a toddler has been.

To make things clear i love my son, he drives me crazy to the point i fear i will never come back and may end up in the place with padded walls but i would die without him. He is my life, my joy.